Archives for August 2012

I’m Sorry

Dear Mommy,

I’d like to state a public apology for this evening.  You see, Llama Llama Red Pajama fell behind the table.  I didn’t know the table could be pushed over so easily.  I also didn’t know the top of the table was filled with your favorite things–crystal candlesticks, a 3ft. tall vase, flameless candles, picture frames…apparently the equivalent of 2 buckets full of broken glass.  I know that sweeping the entire Living Room for broken shards was not how you planned on spending your free-time.  We’re all just happy everyone is okay, right?

Daddy said we could drive to Pottery Barn this weekend to replace all of your things.  You can use the money you were going to spend on my birthday present. Oh, you already bought my presents?  Well, I could do extra chores? Oh, I don’t actually do helpful chores yet?  Perhaps I could set up my lemonade stand again?

In the meantime, I’ll help you redecorate.  You can put some of my toys up there–I bet my dino-popper would be super-sweet up  there.  I think Daddy also has a bunch of empty gum wrappers in his drawer–those are shiny like glass and would be a nice compliment to the dino-popper, don’t you think?

Love you lots,

Matty (the cutest baby in the whole world!)

You’re Invited

Please come party with me!

They’ll be music and dancing and cupcakes and snacks and party hats and of course, ME!

If you’re free that day and looking for a good time (hehe), we’d love to have you. I never know who’s up for the drive to good ole’ Lima.  Just let my Mommy know so she can make enough cupcakes–I’d hate for their to be a shortage on cake!

Tales From the Crib: Week 48

This has totally been the busiest week of my WHOLE life.


Work, work, work. Clean, clean, clean.  Getting ready for guests, I think.  Fall asleep at 10:15 pm waiting on suspected guests.


Wake up to find 3 hooligan children with their grubby hands on my toys and sleeping in my room.  Strange man in my bathroom. Pregnant woman eating at my table.  Find out it’s family. Must play nice.  Have lots of fun until the little one touches my car.  Game on, Cuz, game on.


Pack, pack, pack. Long car drive. Grandma’s house! Barking dogs. Skittish cats. Crazy Aunt Amy. Too excited to sleep.

(It wasn’t me, Grandpa. I swear. Aunt Amy is framing me.)


Wait. Where’d everybody go? Mommy? Daddy? Are you coming back for me? It’s been 1…2…3…4…5…6 hours! Hours! Grandma said something about racecars. Daddy? Daddy, did you drive racecars without me?

Drive, drive, drive. Back home. Long car ride.  Listen to Daddy talk about how much fun he had without me.  Eat Daddy’s certificate that pronounces him King of the Universe, aka Mr. Set the Record for the Day: 162.27 mph…whatever.


Errands, errands, errands. Grocery shopping. Birthday present shopping. Cleaning. Dinner with Daddy’s workfolk. I may or may not have been a total handful mess of a crankster (except for at dinner, of course.  I have a reputation to uphold.)


Oh, not this AGAIN. Mommy is off to work. I’m dropped off–in MY SLEEP–to the babysitter.  Mommy better be glad it was Aunt Mandy and Uncle Brad and Puppy Roxie’s house or I would have snapped.  Play, play, play.  Off to the Fair! Refuse all crapt fair food. Whine a bit out of hunger. Run, run, run through the grandstands.  Run, run, run through the crowds.  Look at the crazy goats.  Ride a horsey. Ride the carousel. Run, run, run.

(I found some big kids and some goldfish to play with.)

(Oh, God. I’m turning into my Mother.)


Drive, drive, drive to Grandma’s.  Ham it up for the quilting ladies.  Play, play, play. Terrorize the pets. Run, run, run.


Wake up at 6:30 am to barking dog–shout “DOG!” in Mommy’s ear. Pee on Grandma’s carpet while freaking out about a diaper change.  ZOOOOOOOOO! Run, run, run, run, run.  Kick the stroller. Refuse all attempts of stroller. Run, run, run, run, run.  Refuse all attempts at being held.  Run, run, run, run, run.  Touch a snake! Run, run, run, run, run.  Get taken home early. No idea why…


(Oh, I’ll be an animal.  A crazed baboon perhaps.)

There was an unfortunate pants incident involving a hand-washing station, mulch, and a public restroom floor.  I don’t want to talk about it.

Impromptu playdate! I taught him how to play in the dog water. He showed me his Daddy’s toy car.  It was all love-at-first-sight until he touched my car.

Drive, drive, drive back home.

I need a vacation.

Whhhhhaaaaat’s Uuuuupppp?

The Worst Day of My Life

Dear Grandma,

I have some sad news.  Daddy drove right by your house today.  Apparently he didn’t even stop to say “Hello”.  Obviously, he didn’t bring me by.  I would have loved to hang out with you–picking your flowers, terrorizing Zach, peeing on the carpet–you know, all the good stuff.

That’s not even the worst part of my day.  While Daddy was galavanting in Cincinnati, Mommy was out doing God only knows what.  Something about work blah blah blah…

She left me with a new babysitter.  I thought this arrangement might be okay because this babysitter has a little monster guy just like me, but after 4 hours-4 hours!-Mommy arrived home to find a very frazzled woman and 2 cranky little boys (we may have totally refused to nap AND eat lunch).

Could you tell Mommy to leave an approved list of shenanigans for the babysitter?  She wouldn’t let me climb in the window or throw balls in the house.  I’d ask her myself, but I’m not on speaking terms with Mommy or Daddy.


Your Totally Not Cranky Grandson


Dear Daddy,

Where do you go all day?  I could really use you at home.  Bad things happen to me when you’re not here.

Take today for instance.  Your wife, the woman you love, the mother of your AWESOME child, came at me with scissors.  She cut things off of my person.  My hair. My poor hair. I worked for a whole year to grow that mullet, and she just snipped it off like it was no big deal.

No pomp and circumstance.  No commemorative photo of my first haircut.  She didn’t even save the locks. Just threw them in the garbage like common household trash.

I hear some kids get cake after their first haircut.  Could you pick some of that up on your way home? You are coming home aren’t you?  I never know.


Sliced and Diced

Tales From the Crib: Week 47

Since I did an “all about me” post last week, I didn’t get to share the super-fun thing that I got to do last week!

I rode a horsey!

Mommy took me to the Auglaize County Fair in Wapakoneta.  It was 100 degrees outside, but I was a champ.  I did the pony rides, played ducky pond, and looked at the animals.  I also perfected my “neighing”.

We got some really nice weather this week, so we went to National Night Out.  It’s an event put on by local firefighters, police officers, and other city personnel to emphasize family time together and put an end to crime.  There was free food, games, and sno-cones!

I was too little for the bouncy house (says Mommy!), but I totally could have rocked that.

And before you think, “Oh wow, you’re Mommy is so great and pretty and fun”, let me share the following incriminating photos.

In the Case of Matty vs. Mommy: The Case of Hiding Books and Computers Under the Couch

I KNOW! I know what you do, woman.  And now I’m coordinated enough to get them. I only ask that you read the same 3 books 127 times each. How hard could your life possibly be?

Tales From the Crib: Week 46

I HAVE BIG, BIG NEWS! (No, it’s not a baby brother.)


I HAVE MORE BIG, BIG NEWS! (No, it’s not a baby sister.)


I HAVE EVEN MORE BIG, BIG NEWS! (Ummm, yeah, this one is baby related.)

I’M GETTING NEW TWIN BABY COUSINS.  It’s going to be so much fun.

So, Grandma came to visit me this week and she didn’t know that I had lots of teeth.  So what else don’t you guys know about me?  Let’s do a developmental run-down, shall we?


  • 30″ tall
  • 25 lbs.
  • 8 Teeth–4 top and 4 bottom
  • Very fine blond hair that’s getting very mullet-ish on just the left side. Please help.

Gross Motor Skills

  • Walking across the room
  • Climbing onto my toddler bed
  • Climbing backwards off the bed and couch
  • Climbing into the windowsill
  • Throwing a ball

Fine Motor Skills

  • Pinching Mommy’s chest
  • Pinching Mommy’s nose
  • Pinching Mommy’s ears
  • Picking up ANYTHING small, like lint and dirt off the floor (Mommy really needs to clean this place up!)
  • Opening cabinet doors
  • Opening drawers
  • Reaching into containers to take things out or put things in, like laundry from the dryer or Mommy’s cell phone into my ball popper (Listen up, this was not as fun as I anticipated.)
  • Clicking an ink pen open and closed
  • Unscrewing lids, like child-proof teething tablet bottles

Favorite Toys

  • Books: Llama, Llama Red Pajama; Brown Bear Brown Bear; 5 Little Monkeys; Does Kangaroo Have a Mommy, Too?; Whose Baby Am I?; 10 Tiny Tickles.  We’ll read these over, and over, and over, and over again for like 45 minutes.
  • Balls
  • MegaBloks (with cars and little people)
  • Pop-Up Animal Thingy
  • Puppy Scout
  • Hose
  • Mommy
  • Nature
  • Kitty
  • Dirt


  • Mama, Mom
  • Dada
  • Hi
  • No, no, no! (This is my favorite. But I’ve since learned this is, in fact, NOT Kitty’s name.)
  • Ball
  • Duck
  • Cold. (I like ice.)
  • Go
  • Good. (I ALWAYS do a good job, so I hear this a lot.)

Animal Sounds

  • Meow. (Duh, how else am I supposed to communicate my shenanigans with Kitty?)
  • Neigh. (I rode a horsey!)


  • Come on (Daddy is reeeaally slow.)
  • More
  • Hi
  • All Done
  • Eat
  • Yay (Clapping)
  • No (Shaking Head)
  • Go Crazy (flailing around)
  • I also raise my palms up and shrug my shoulders whenever anyone asks a question or when I have a question.  Mommy isn’t sure where or why I learned this…

Favorite Foods:

Eat 3x/day + snacks, though a “meal” is anything from 2 crackers to a Chipotle taco

  • Chicken, black bean, and rice tacos from Chipotle
  • Spaghetti w/Skyline chili (just like Daddy!)
  • Eggs
  • Strawberries (whole or cut-up)
  • Apples (ONLY a whole apple)
  • Peaches (sliced)
  • Peanut butter crackers
  • Plum Organic Cremes
  • Puffs
  • Chex Cereal
  • Any meat, cooked or deli style
  • Carrots (uncooked)
  • Mommy’s homemade oatmeal-banana muffins
  • Veggies straws and pita chips
  • Graham Crackers
  • Broccoli
  • Raw Spinach (WHHHY can I eat leaves at the table, but NOT when I find them on the ground outside? I don’t understand.)
  • Oh, this is getting tiring. I like food.
  • Mommy Milk. 6-8x/day still…what? I’m a growing boy.
  • OH, and dirt.

Oh, and of course, I no longer like to sit in my chair to eat.  I like to stand in my Learning Tower.  I also have to be as naked as possible. Mommy lets me. She’s fun like that…most of the time.


Ha! Like this should get its own category.

  • Down to 2 naps/day and have been for about a month.  Usually about 40-50 minutes each. Ok, just sometimes.  I took another 12 minute nap the other day.  Just keeping Mommy on  top of her game.
  • I really like to sleep in the car.  Mommy is okay with this.  We gets lots of errands done, and Mommy gets lots of books read while she’s waiting for me to wake up. Win-win, I say.
  • Usually start getting sleepy around 8, but fight it off until around 9:30.  THEN, if I’m really lucky, I wake up at 12:30, 3:00, 5:00, 7:00 and up for the day around 8 or 9, depending on if I accidentally fall back asleep after my 7:00 milk.  If I’m really, really worn out, I wake up at 12:30, 4:00, and 8:00.  Thankfully, Mommy and Daddy haven’t figured out to get me really, really worn out every day.
  • Mommy tried a complete night-wean, but yeah…She’s still awake, I’m screaming, and Daddy is saying naughty words.  Good choice, Mom.

Other Baby Things

  • Bathtimes are cool.
  • Walks in the stroller are still fun.
  • I do a good job riding in the car (NOTE TO KARMA FROM MOMMY: Please don’t take this as a tempt of fate. I’d like this to continue. K-thanks.)
  • People! I love the people.
  • I have 2 babysitters while Mommy goes to “work” sometimes.  Mr. James is so fun and we play blocks.  Miss Hayley is so pretty and lovely and sparkly and smells like rainbows and unicorn kisses.  While I like my babysitters, I have managed to never let Mommy be away from me for more than 3 hours. Ever.  I think I heard some crapt shenanigans about Mommy and Daddy leaving me for the WHOLE day at Grandma’s soon, so I’ll have to talk to them about that.
  • I give kisses. Good ones.
  • Library. Park.  Toy Store.  Perfect daily outing.

And, as a final note:


Saturday, September 15

I’m having a birthday party! But I have to go now and ask Mommy and Daddy if you’re all allowed to come over.

Tales From the Crib: Week 45

Remember the look above–I’m sure you’ll see it a lot when I’m a smart-ass teenager. Just sayin’.

Anywho. Thanks for all of those who responded to my plea for interaction.  Mommy finally finished reading her books and started paying attention to me again.  However, Daddy is yet to come home from work. Perhaps we should all stage a rescue.

Mimi and Pawpaw came to  visit me. Ok, ok. They actually came to make sure Daddy didn’t electrocute himself doing some electrical work, but fear not, Daddy is quite the handy-man these days.  We played outside.

And Pawpaw played blocks with me.  He’s good at building blocks.

We grilled out and watched their puppy chase my kitty. Good times.  Mimi brought me a ducky, cause duckies rock.

Ms. Kim came ALL THE WAY FROM LOUISIANA to save me.  She upheld her promise and brought candy and an iPad.  The candy was the best, but Mommy only let me have one tiny mini M&M.  I don’t know what happened to the rest…Mommy did smell distinctly like chocolate the next day. Hmmm…

Ms. Kim also was so, so nice and brought me presents!  Books and Blocks and Cars and ALL MY FAVORITE THINGS.  She sure knows the way to a baby’s heart.

We even had a party on Saturday night to knock off “Have a BBQ Party” from our Summer To-Do List. Ok, well it wasn’t a very good party, but we do appreciate those of you who actually showed up.  Even those of you who decided to show up at 9:45–well past my bedtime.  Aunt Amy and Uncle David made it on time.  Aunt Amy did what any good Auntie should do…wash my car!

Mr. James came, too.  He brought a fun game for me, and a fun game for the adults to play after I went to sleep.

But those of you who didn’t RSVP or um, were apparently too drunk by noon to remember to come, I’m very disappointed in you…very disappointed indeed.

Tales From the Crib: Week 44

Hello? Are you still there? Am I on the right week?  I have this strange feeling we’re going to get to my 1st birthday (yay!) and I’m going to be a week behind still.  Eh, whatever.  So, do you still care what I was doing THREE weeks ago?  Maybe? Ok, here ya go.

Me and The Hose are BFF’s.

Even Kitty likes to play hose with me.

Mommy takes me outside to play a lot.  Instead of riding in my car or stroller, I go on walks with my walker.  I’ve made it halfway around our block before pooping out, metaphorically speaking.

Of course, Kitty goes on walks with me, too.

Sometimes we even have races.

I’m a little behind on blogging because Mommy and Daddy have been remodeling the bathroom.  This also means I had to take a bath in the sink. Like a baby.

At least I can reach the apples.